Trigger warning: disordered eating, restriction and emotional abuse * * * First of all, and potentially last of all, she's prettier than me. There was a sinking feeling of sorts, when I happened across her page. Ah, I see it. I see what he sees in her. Because she's prettier than me. Prettier than me,… Continue reading Somebody Else
Today Was…
Today was...dragging my feet at work. My sleep has been poor this past week and a lot of the tasks at the pharmacy are pretty tedious at the moment so there was a lot of checking my phone, getting distracted and feeling guilty because of it. Today was...something he'd said replaying in my head over… Continue reading Today Was…
Life Update
I've not written in a couple of months and I don't feel like I have the brain power to write anything particularly conceptual or structured. So this is just a life update, I guess. Since I last wrote, the madness of Covid-19 swept the world - throughout which I was working full-time in pharmacy. I… Continue reading Life Update
Meaningful Interactions + Surges Of Joy
One day, one of my colleagues in the pharmacy brought up the perceived quandary of whether or not to wish a person accessing the needle exchange service a nice day after giving them their works. I suppose the implication was that either it's impossible to have a nice day if you're injecting heroin or that… Continue reading Meaningful Interactions + Surges Of Joy
Working Backwards: CPTSD
Chronic emotional abandonment devastates a child. It naturally makes her feel and appear deadened and depressed. Functional parents respond to a child's depression with concern and comfort. Abandoning parents respond to the child with anger, disgust and/or further abandonment, which in turn exacerbate the fear, shame and despair that become the abandonment mélange. Overreaction to… Continue reading Working Backwards: CPTSD
“They Live Chaotic Lives”
I wake up with dread and a sense of defeatism - as is fairly common with me these days. As if my eyes have been gouged out at the lid. Sleep deprivation is cumulative and, like a scar being ripped open repeatedly, it's not something which is ever rectified after one day of abstinence from… Continue reading “They Live Chaotic Lives”
Desire Is Not Respect: Attraction + Trauma Bonding
Something that's changed for me significantly in the past few years is the way I approach attraction and romantic interest. This is quite encouraging for me because experiencing frequent bouts of depression sometimes makes me feel that everything is stagnant and that there's no point to anything; so it's really nice to feel like despite… Continue reading Desire Is Not Respect: Attraction + Trauma Bonding
A Visit Home, Emotional Separation + Maintaining Boundaries
This time last week, I was back in Shetland for the first time in 1½ years. Prior to this, I'd found myself growing unusually homesick. Seeing people on social media doing the regular, banal things like frequenting the dingy local bars and taking coastal walks was sending pangs of nostalgia through me. So I figured… Continue reading A Visit Home, Emotional Separation + Maintaining Boundaries
Thoughts On…The Scrutiny Of Women
* * * "Your legs are are getting astronomically long!" my Dad exclaimed one day, surveying my body. "In fact, your thighs are about 4 inches longer than what they should be." I laughed, taking this as a compliment. This was the usual - if it was a joke, then I couldn't rightfully be hurt… Continue reading Thoughts On…The Scrutiny Of Women
The Muddy Waters Of Covert Anxiety
I didn't think I'd see myself writing another post about anxiety - at least not in the context of my current experience. I wrote one particular post a while ago going in depth about my experiences with diagnosed anxiety and agoraphobia; and how receiving cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) dramatically improved my symptoms. Something I've been… Continue reading The Muddy Waters Of Covert Anxiety
