Life Update

What’s new:

• I’m seeing someone, kinda
• I’m tired almost all the time (see below)
• I most likely have coeliac disease
• I’m about halfway through finishing my debut EP and first project as philomenah
• I broke up with my therapist
• I’m considering switching anti-depressants

About the guy I’m seeing: he’s not perfect. But he is lovely. Some things about him irritate me, most things relax me and make me smile. It’s my first time properly exploring kink and power exchange within a relationship. I’m into DDLG and he’s completely happy to explore it with me. I can be a kid around him, he embraces it, nurtures it. He hasn’t left me guessing so far about whether he’s into me or not. Sometimes when he’s really nice to me it makes me cry. We laugh a lot. We’d spend all our time cuddling if we could.

I got a blood test a couple of weeks ago to investigate my persistent fatigue, the outcome of which is that I might have coeliac disease. I’ve been referred for a biopsy. In the meantime I’m unable to alter my diet because doing so would render the biopsy pointless. So I’m supplementing with vitamin D and trudging through the constant tiredness and brain fog.

The music is going really well. I feel like I’m finally approaching at a sound that I’ve wanted to have for ages. Now when I tell people I make r&b, I feel like I can say it confidently – because it’s actually sounding like that now. It’s not just an intention anymore. I love the producer I work with. He gets it and he’s so lovely. Soon I’ll be shooting the EP cover. My experience of abuse last year brought with it a sexual awakening. The cover will be me in lingerie and stripper heels. Because why not.

Whilst navigating the world of dating again (I had initially intended to stay single but my motivations changed and I felt intuitively pulled towards the concept of union), I became aware of the sometimes judgemental and critical nature of my therapist. He had become very reactive, prompting me to intellectually bypass my emotions by labelling them projection and transference; almost invariably. It didn’t click for me anymore. The psychobabble started to sound superficial. On a few occasions he really hurt my feelings. So I ended it.

My Mam made a great point. That when the relationship with this therapist initially ended a few years ago – I was distraught. I felt abandoned, lost, dropped, betrayed. But this time around, at the end of our second therapeutic contract, I felt a sense of calm. In the week preceding, I was angry. But during the last session, it just flowed. I was making the right decision, there was no doubt in my mind. I wasn’t scared of losing our sessions – they had begun to hold me back. Being able to objectively assess the situation and take charge in the way that I did made me feel like a woman. A strong woman who trusts her inner voice.

The fatigue I’m experiencing is difficult. Over the past few days I’ve also felt a bit dizzy from time to time. I’m planning to speak to the GP soon about potentially switching anti-depressants. I’ve had quite a few absences from work lately. Getting out of bed is an ordeal at the moment. I feel bedraggled – every single morning. Even after a full 8 hours. Maybe a different anti-depressant would give me more energy, even with coeliac disease.

I’m still getting intrusive thoughts from time to time, albeit far less frequently than I have done in the past. So at the moment I don’t want to stop anti-depressant treatment altogether. Something new I am considering is hypnotherapy. I’m interested about working on the unconscious level. I’m hoping to target my unhealthy habits with regards to sleep and diet. I’m also hoping it might strengthen my ego. My last therapist mentioned that we would be focusing on ego-strengthening. The realisation that I was feeling more insecure and self-critical than ever was partly what solidified my decision to end it.

I’m still trying to grapple with my social media addiction. I haven’t been on Twitter in a good few weeks and I’m using Instagram a lot less than usual. Lately I’ve been using it for a while and then uninstalling it. For the time being it’s working for me.

I’m taking a new creative direction with my music and online media presence. I’m feeling called to share more of what I feel genuinely passionate about like spirituality and self care. I want the spiritual side of me to be reflected in my artistry. It feels nice being more integrated.

In terms of the abuse last year, I feel a lot calmer about it all now. Less obsessive thinking, less ruminating, less concern for those who have little concern for me. Less preoccupation with what people think of me who don’t even know me. I feel secure in the fact that I’m much better off without all of that and that whoever aligns themselves with people like that are sailing headfirst into a perfect storm. I’ve changed tracks and I’m at peace with that.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

– philomenah