I was going to publish a post today that I wrote earlier about the concept of “getting better” and how that can be problematic in itself; but it doesn’t feel true to how I feel right now. I don’t feel like I have any supposed “truth bombs” I can drop and feel self-satisfied about right now.
On a regular week, I would’ve finished therapy exactly 3 hours ago. But I haven’t because it’s over. I walked past the tree-lined route I would’ve taken this morning and went straight to the coffee shop to write. I had intended to leave the house not too long after I normally do (9.25am) but that didn’t happen. I tried to enjoy the newfound flexibility of a Wednesday off with no engagements, but it wasn’t too enjoyable.
I felt a grey cloud drifting over me or seeping into me, whatever; manifesting in procrastination and melancholy.
I still meditated for half an hour, exercised for half an hour and did the things I was “supposed” to do; but it was still well after noon before I left the house. And that’s alright. I don’t hate myself for it or anything. It’s just that it didn’t feel too good is all.
Last night in my room, I couldn’t warm up. I had the heating on for ages and ended up curled up next to my heater after midnight – debating various possibilities in my head. Will I just go to bed without washing my face or brushing my teeth in an attempt to get to sleep earlier? Will I go and get some Doritos to cheer myself up? Should I listen to some music? I sat there frozen, physically and mentally, just marinating in the ambivalence and misery.
Right now, I’m listening to the SESH app radio. If you don’t know, SESH is a creative collective of music artists (including Bones and GREAF) who make truly beautiful music that is released independently and free from major label interference. When I’m writing, or any time actually, and I feel quite downbeat and upset – I’ll listen to SESH radio. Just as I was writing, the above song by GREAF came on and it calmed me down immensely. Like a balm that covered my heart. So I just wanted to take the time to share that.
Hearing the chatter around me, I’m reminded that I’m alone. This is something that never usually bothers me. But then I usually have had the intimacy, connection and access to secure attachment that a therapy session provides. So, obviously I feel differently about my solitude today.
I went to the doctor last week about something unrelated but briefly brought up my mental health and the ending of the therapeutic relationship. She was nice about it and gave me some details about CCBT or computerised cognitive behavioural therapy.
Now, I’ve had CBT before when I was 15/16 for anxiety. It was brilliant (and difficult) but I don’t necessarily feel like I need it at the moment. However, it might be something nice to do on Wednesdays to fill the void that therapy has inevitably left. And I’m sure I would gain something from it regardless.
Part of me feels like I should fully experience the void that has been left but in all honesty, it’s difficult having a whole day stretch out ahead of you which used to be filled at least partly with something so rich, stimulating, healing and cathartic. I’d rather do the CCBT than end up in bed all day and wasting all of the hours. At least the CCBT would help keep me in touch with my feeling and thought process. And I could still head out to do it with my laptop somewhere.
I also think I should look more seriously into doing some volunteering in addiction and substance misuse but I feel really ambivalent about that. Not ambivalent about whether I’d want to to work in that area, because I’ve wanted to for a long time, but ambivalent about whether I should be doing something like that on a day off from work. I don’t want to overload myself or stretch myself too thin. But then maybe that’s self-indulgent of me. Maybe I should be doing more to help others instead of focusing on myself. I don’t know.
And then I also think I should work a bit more, at least in the run-up to Christmas. But that would mean working a 6-day week. Could I handle that? Would a 48-hour week along with the emotional fallout of my current situation morph into something more sinister for me? It sucks working a 40 hour week and still being in debt. It really does.
I recently took the Enneagram personality test and one of the shadow sides of a Type 4 is being self-absorbed. Mulling this over has had me feeling quite insecure and anxious in all honesty. Because I know that to a certain extent it’s true. It might seem stupid to get hung-up on an internet personality test but so much of it rang true for me that I can’t really help it!
So I feel a bit stuck sometimes. Stuck between wanting to manage the level of suffering I’m feeling at the moment and not wanting to be too self-absorbed or think that everything is about me. I’m also becoming increasingly aware of my self-indulgent tendencies of buying things I can’t really afford to make myself feel better or just making excuses for myself as to why I’m not doing the things I feel I ought to be doing because I don’t feel great.
It’s extremely difficult to balance an increasing sense of self-awareness of my shadow with self love and acceptance. I don’t want to berate myself but I don’t want to enable myself, either. *sighs*
I’m definitely too “in my head” now. A lot of thinking is suffering in itself, I suppose. I’m going to make an effort to keep up with the meditation. It has a way of providing the wordless answers I’ve been looking for.
Sorry for the rambling style of this blog post, it’s about all I could manage today!
Thanks for reading.
– SMUT. ❤ xxxx
philomenah's safe space 