Dead Ends

I’ve found myself at a lot of dead ends lately.

I can’t believe I’ve not been making music. I’ve been promoting an EP that I’ve barely started. To be fair, I have written around 5 songs and recorded one but I’m so disappointed in myself.

I’ll be 24 next year. Want to know something crazy? I expected to be successful by now. If I told my 16-year-old self that by 23, I still wouldn’t have come close to “making it”, I’d be horrified.

I’ve written so many songs. I want to say…maybe 150? Of course not all of them are great or even good but I could put out countless EPs. Acoustic stuff, r’n’b stuff – I could record a rock album if I wanted to, easily. I have tons of music video ideas, ideas for what I would wear on stage. I feel so trapped inside my mind.

This all probably sounds stupid.

I’m so lonely. I have virtually no friends in Edinburgh which is embarrassing to admit. I’m desperate to go out for New Year’s Eve and I have no one to go with. I bought a tiny dress. I think about how I’m not going to be able to even wear stuff like this forever, you know? Where’s my youth going?

I think of moving away. I have £-1800 to my name. Try manifesting money with that as your starting point(!). All my friends seem to be doing better than me.

I spent Christmas Day on my own this year. Myself and the guy I’m seeing had planned to volunteer with the homeless but we both fell really ill and sadly had to cancel. I stuck on a film and opened the presents I was lucky enough to get. It was an okay day. But when people ask me what I did, I’m met with so much pity that it’s humiliating.

I couldn’t really have gone home to Shetland – I don’t really have anyone I can stay with anymore. I couldn’t stay with my Dad out of principle for my mental health. And all my half-siblings — I’m not really all that close with. You know those family members that you know care about you but it’s always a bit awkward interacting with them? Yeah.

And I could’ve gone through to see my Mam but I chose not to. I didn’t want to feel emotionally responsible for someone. She brought it up so many times that I completely went off the idea. In the past, I’ve felt like I’ve had to be her counsellor sometimes, so now I’m careful to set boundaries where I see fit.

I don’t know, my whole life loneliness has followed me. I’m willing to accept that I’ve created those conditions either consciously or otherwise.

I get like this, I feel sorry for myself – then I try to analyse it. Today, I thought “I’m just creating the conditions for more suffering right now by feeling upset about my situation”. I try to rationalise it. I thought: “Stop feeling sorry for yourself”. That worked for a few minutes, then the feelings sank into me again.

I watched a few makeup tutorials tonight on YouTube – one was for a New Year’s Eve look. The girl was discussing what she was going to do for New Year, she was undecided but only because she wasn’t sure whose house to throw a party at. God, I felt jealous. Imagine having so many friends that your greatest worry is where to throw the party. Wow. And she’s a lovely girl and I don’t mean to speak badly about her. It’s just that she completely reflected my loneliness back to me.

My life doesn’t feel like mine right now. I went through so many changes over the summer, I feel like I’m living a stranger’s life. Nobody here knows anything about who I was before or who I’ve always been. Nobody knows any Shetland dialect. Nobody knows what it was like. People here talk about Shetland like this mythical, hilarious place. I get it. But that’s my home. The only thing I knew. And here, in Edinburgh — it’s nothing. It means nothing. I mean nothing.

And then, when I realise that none of the self care or self reflection is really working, I sink into shame and think about hurting myself. Or eating food that I’m not hungry for. Maybe my mind is broken, like some sort of glitch.

This is perhaps the first New Year that I’ve not felt too hopeful about. I love New Year – much more than Christmas. I’ve always loved the idea of a chance to start over, a chance for setting intentions and resolutions, spiritual and practical. Maybe I feel older now or something. I’ve seen myself fail so many times – not reach my goals.

I don’t really believe in myself anymore. I believe in my talent – but not in my ability to be productive or really execute any sort of project. I don’t think this level of obstacle is normal for a creative really, is it? Surely if it was meant to happen, it would be happening already. I feel like an embarrassment to all my collaborative artists. I’m so flakey, I put things off, I’m late, I’m confused. I don’t have that healthy work ethic with music that so many people I know seem to have. It makes me feel a fraud.

I’m not a true nihilist. I’m hopeful at heart. I’m still exploring different types of healing and self help and I plan to access counselling at the start of the year. But that zeal I used to have, that fervour for trying something new and having a new hope, has fizzled out. “Please just help me out, please just give me a break”, I feel like saying. Maybe I should take meds. I know what I should do. I should exercise, I should do this and that… I have almost completely lost my personal power.

I’m going to stay with my Mam next week. Despite what I said, I did miss her over Christmas and hopefully it will help to ground me a little.

Thanks for reading.

– SMUT. ❤ xxxx