Today marks a month since I made my first blog post on SMUT. and Self-Esteem. In that first post, I made a commitment to self-esteem growth. I explained that I wanted to make my dreams of becoming a successful musician a reality and asserted that the only way to do this was to begin to believe in myself again. After a month of practicing tactics to increase self-esteem, do I honestly feel that it’s working?
In a word: yes. So much so that it makes me nervous to verbalise it, as if I’ll jinx this progress in some way. But on so many levels, yes I feel better and yes, I feel closer to making my dreams a reality.
Firstly, I feel excited about music again. I think this is partly due to the fact that I went to Wireless Festival a week or two before I started my blog. Seeing some of my favourite artists living out their dreams on stage was so inspiring. One of the artists, Ty Dolla $ign, used his time on stage to express gratitude and say what a dream come true it was for him to be there. I saw myself in him. If I’d had the opportunity to be in his place, I would’ve said the exact same thing. Creating this blog has kept that feeling of inspiration alive within me and it has fuelled my creativity.
Creatively, I feel full of ideas. I feel more committed to uploading all my existing tracks onto YouTube and I want to start uploading videos of acoustic versions of songs to showcase more of my talent. I want to make homemade music videos like some of my favourite DIY rappers: Eric North, SYBYR and Bones. I want to send my favourite tracks to music management companies and radio stations. I want to play more open mics.
In terms of productivity, I do feel that I have more drive and determination. For the past few weeks, I’ve been working on a song that I previously wrote off. I always liked the song but I thought that the way I’d produced it was terrible and that I hadn’t done it justice. It made me angry. I felt I’d wasted my time and that I didn’t even want to revisit it. But with some encouragement from my ever-supportive boyfriend, I changed my mind and vowed to look at it again. With the seed of that song firmly replanted in my mind, one day I started to imagine what it would sound like over a dancehall beat. Like “Unforgettable” by French Montana or “16 Shots” by Stefflon Don. I started to get excited about the song again and was intent on uncovering all of its potential. So over the past few weeks, that’s what I’ve been doing – reworking the percussion in this song and getting it to a place that I’m really proud of. I now believe that it’s my best song since “Weird” (by far my most honest and most played song). I can’t wait to upload it and share it with everyone. I hope people love it as much as I do. Aside from this song, I also uploaded a collaboration 3 weeks ago called “The River Forgives Me”, I started writing a new song 2 weeks ago that I’m really happy with and I’m working on a new collaboration with a rapper at the moment.
Other than these ideas I’ve been having and projects I’ve been working on, the biggest change has been in my perspective. When I think about my dreams and ambitions now, it makes me smile because I now believe that I will get there. I don’t see the internet and the world as being too vast and saturated to make an impact, I see it as being bursting with opportunities and platforms to share and get noticed. All it takes is the chance and serendipity of the right person stumbling across a song because of a hashtag, the right person being at an open mic, a video randomly going viral in a way no one could’ve predicted or an artist having the character and gumption to directly contact a music mogul and convince them that they’re good enough and that they’re worthy of their time. The possibilities are endless.
Now for a brief life update. I don’t share much of the practicalities of my daily life – if you have read a few of my posts, you’ll have gathered I work in hospitality full-time and live alone. On Monday this will change. I’m moving from my place in Shetland to Edinburgh to study. I’m commencing a college course in Pharmacy Services. This might be confusing to some when my passion is clearly music. Basically, I’m done with hospitality. I can’t work in that sector indefinitely until I make it in music. It’s driving me insane. I’m sick of serving alcoholics all the time and turning a blind eye to their sickness, I’m sick of being rushed off my feet all the time and flaring up my health problems because of the stress I’m under and I’m sick of the routine neglect of self-care and wellbeing that is so prevalent in this industry. Pharmacy is something I’m really interested in. It’s something I feel that I won’t resent. The course is just for one year and once completed, I’ll be a pharmacy technician – a healthcare professional. That prospect excites me. I’m determined to stay consistent with this blog and with my music throughout the course. If I can do that while I’m working full-time, I’m sure I can do it while I’m studying full-time.
My next blog post will be about the third step on my journey to increased self-esteem – self acceptance. This will be up on my blog on Monday, as usual.
Thank you for reading!
– SMUT. xxx ❤
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