An introduction

I’ve never been one to shy away from honesty with my music so why sugarcoat things here? I’m starting this blog because I have serious issues with procrastination and lack of productivity when it comes to my music. Why is this? To do music for a living is all I’ve ever wanted. I have daily visions of myself up on stage, touring, making music videos, connecting with others and fulfilling my dreams. I look up to artists like Kali Uchis, ABRA, Charli XCX, Tinashe and Ariana Grande – all empowered women around my age but years ahead of me in terms of their successes. My heart clenches when I think of how old I am and how I’d hoped to have accomplished so much by now. My life stretches ahead of me, grey with doubt and impotence that dizzies me. So if I want it so bad why aren’t I doing anything? I got an answer to this question a couple of weeks ago.

I suffered a bout of depression (an illness I am no stranger to) a couple of months ago. It was brought on by work-related stress and the diagnosis of a chronic illness that plunged me into despair. While on the waiting list for talking therapy, I found a great self-help resource for depression called Moodjuice which slowly turned my life around. Fast forward to the day my appointment letter arrived and I looked at it in confusion. I was already feeling so much better and felt like I’d battled the depression myself – did I still need the appointment? I decided to go anyway and make the most of it. The counsellor I was appointed was so lovely and had so much wisdom. I got a lot out of that appointment. I told her the struggles I’d had with urges to self-harm and suicidal feelings. I told her about the struggles I’d had with relationships. She asked me about my upbringing and I was honest about the history of addiction and emotional abuse within my family home. And I told her about my dreams, how I wanted to be a musician for a living but how I can never seem to get enough done.

The way she responded changed my life.

She said that she thought I seemed like an incredibly resourceful person that could achieve anything they wanted but the problem was – I didn’t believe it. She reckoned I had very low self-esteem and that I didn’t believe in myself enough. I realised she was right. The older I’ve gotten, the less I believe in myself and my dreams. Too often I think: “What’s the point in doing this? I’m never going to make it.” The older I get, the louder this inner voice becomes. Even now, I’m thinking: “Why I am doing this blog? My writing’s not even that good.” It’s confusing because I’m the first person to preach about self-love. I thought I really did love myself but then why would I get so clingy in relationships? Why am I afraid of abandonment? Why am I not enough on my own? I want to be. I want to be enough on my own and I want to live my dreams. So that’s why I’m creating this blog. I intend to use a resource that the counsellor gave to me as the basis of this blog. It’s a sheet called: Starting Point for Self-Esteem Growth and it’s divided into 12 steps (ha-ha):

1. Self Parenting
2. Self Awareness
3. Self Acceptance
4. Self Love
5. Self Care
6. Self Protection
7. Self Reliance
8. Self Assertiveness
9. Self Responsibility
10. Self Determination
11. Self Forgiveness
12. Self Permission

Throughout this blog, I’ll be exploring each of these points and putting them into action – giving my honest thoughts and documenting my progress along the way. I’ll also be recognising the link between proactively exploring these concepts and my levels of creativity and productivity with my music. My hope is that with some dedication and commitment to self-esteem growth, I’ll become more creative and get back on track with achieving my goals and, ultimately, living my dreams. I also hope that my writing can help others struggling with low self-esteem.

If you’ve gotten this far, thanks so much for reading. My next blog post will be on Self Parenting.

– SMUT. ❤ xxxx